LESS IS MORE BOUNDARIES...
…AND THE ART OF SAYING NO
PHOTOs AND TEXT JULIA RESTOIN ROITFELD
Images via Julia Restoin Roitfeld
The most valuable thing we have in our life is our time. And how we spend it shouldn’t be taken lightly. Spending time with my children is the most important thing for me, and I want to be able to spend as much time as possible with them. Quality time. Of course, work is an important part of my life too, but it is important to realise that there are specific moments you will never get back. So how we manage our time and who and when we allocate it is one of the most difficult things but one of the most important things too.
In today's constantly connected world, it's easy to feel like we've lost control of our time. Being always online and available doesn't necessarily make us more productive. More and more, whether I was trying to spend quality time with my children or trying to do some creative work, I’ve found myself tied to my phone, expected to be available for work, admin tasks, and even friendship sometimes, making it impossible to be in the moment of whatever I was doing. I felt robbed of what was the most precious for me. MY TIME. In this digital time, boundaries have become blurred. People often assume that if we're connected, we're available. It seems like many of us have become less considerate of each other's time just because we can be. I don’t blame anyone but myself. So I thought it was about “time” to regain control of my time and recalibrate people’s expectations when it comes to my time, I have a few friends with very clear boundaries, who won’t immediately answer, and instead of being upset I only have huge respect for them. I think the more you give, the more people take, but it is never too late to re-establish healthy boundaries
While technology gives us freedom, it also takes a lot of it away. Everyone, anyone can’t contact us by a simple click.WhatsApp, group chats email, texts, and social media can create a continuous stream of noise and distraction from what we're trying to focus on. Even when I'm in the middle of something important, I find myself dropping everything to respond to requests, regardless of whether it's the right time or if I was working on something else. It’s been studied that “notification” When we check our phones, our brains release a small amount of dopamine. Dopamine motivates us to take action and each time we hear a notification, we check our device. The problem is this dopamine boost is temporary and leads to a letdown. Everyone functions directly but personally, What’s supposed to make us more productive has, in reality, made me less productive, overwhelmed and more anxious. All that made me feel not better but less good at my job.
So this summer, I've made an effort to really work on setting boundaries and letting go of the fear of disappointing people. I've come to see my time as my own and no one else's, and I've taken full ownership of how I spend it. I’ve realized it’s ok to be selfish when it comes to your time, guilt-freeSetting boundaries has meant being firm with myself and setting specific time frames for work and social interactions. I’ve chosen not to be instantly available and have aimed to enjoy moments without constantly feeling stressed. Without constantly looking at my phone feeling I had to answer right away or be available when I just couldn’t. It’s required a lot of self-discipline, especially as a freelancer.
The first step was to manage my digital boundaries by configuring my phone and being selective about who could contact me and when. Thank you, Apple "Focus" mode :) And while I was away, I even removed my main work email from my phone to reduce temptation and stress. It might sound unprofessional but since temptation is so easy, I had to give it ago and see.
The second step was to carve a proper schedule allocating time for each thing, to make sure to not constantly be all over the place. It’s especially difficult when you work from home. Theres always something else to do, an email to answer, a bill to pay, a laundry load to fold.
For example, I've promised myself to not look at my phone or emails until I am done with this piece. Trust me, NOT easy. Especially as we have it all in one place. Emails. Text editing software etc…But I keep telling myself that rest can honestly wait. Nothing is more satisfying than finishing something from beginning to end without being interrupted.
The second step is to try to maintain a schedule that works for me and allocate time for different things. For example, I spend an hour on emails in the morning, have a quick catch-up mid-day, and another one at the end of the afternoon. And allocate 30 min of admin a day. If not, I feel all I do is reply to messages without getting anything else done. I do the same with text messages. My goal is to make sure that everything I need to do is completed before the end of the day when Romy is back from school, so I can properly focus on her and George.
“A wise person once said: my life got better when I realized I didn’t have to be nice. You don’t have to be nice to be a good person. Being good means being honest, setting boundaries, and taking care of yourself without compromising your values.”
I'm not really that good at multitasking, at least not anymore with two children, and I don't enjoy it. I prefer to be fully present in the moment of whatever I am doing.
I’ve also been working on "The Art Of Saying NO" the last few months. I am quite a people pleaser, so it's been quite challenging to work on it. I used to try to make up crazy excuses, to get out of something but I would always feel guilty. To put things in context, I found it oddly satisfying to be confined to bed when I broke my ankle while pregnant, as it gave me a valid excuse to decline many things. That's how messed up things were. That’s how being so easily to connect with made me feel. But it’s like an exercise, and after a few goes, if you are confident in what you want or not, and you truly are aware of what is best for you or not, and what you are physically and emotionally available for or not, you realize it's quite freeing. It's still a work in progress and again requires strength and discipline, but in the long run, I promise it will pay off, and I find myself more productive.
I love this quote “A wise person once said: my life got better when I realized I didn’t have to be nice. Nice got me used, stressed out and disrespected.. You don’t have to be nice to be a good person. Being good means being honest, setting boundaries, and taking care of yourself without compromising your values.”
Seeing this quote while I was working on setting my boundaries helped me feel better about it. It helped me deal with the feeling of guilt that comes with always being available on other people’s terms and made me realize that prioritizing myself is perfectly okay.
