GUEST EDIT: HEALER JEN MOORE ON THE IMPORTANCE OF BOUNDARIES
A GUEST POST FROM ONE OF OUR FAVORITES, JEN MOORE OF SHADOW LIGHT HEALING KNOWING YOUR VALUES AND SETTING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.
PHOTOS MICHAEL MALONEY TEXT JEN MOORE
Imagine your house didn’t have a property line or a fence. What if your apartment had no front door? Imagine if all of the boundaries that we have disappeared, and people could freely roam wherever they chose? Imagine if there were no way to tell what belonged to someone?
It would probably be chaos. People could wander into your apartment or onto your land. There would be no way to stop someone from entering your personal space whenever they wanted to. In a world without boundaries, it is a free for all.
Luckily, we have laws to protect our personal property and space. People cannot come into your home and borrow some sugar. People cannot wander onto your property and have a party.
We are very good at setting boundaries for our physical property, but emotionally, sometimes our boundaries are unclear or non-existent.
Have you ever been asked to do something that you really didn’t want to do, but you didn’t want to upset the person asking? Have you ever over-committed to something because you’re afraid you might burn a bridge? Or maybe you’re partner constantly triggers you, but you don’t want to upset them by bringing it to their attention. These are personal and emotional boundaries that must be defined and communicated.
While extremely important, emotional and personal boundaries are difficult to set. The first place I tell clients to start is with their core values. Identifying your core values helps you figure out what is really important. What do you value the most in your life?
“We are very good at setting boundaries for our physical property, but emotionally, sometimes our boundaries are unclear or non-existent. ”
Is it time spent with your kids? Is it having personal space? Is it taking care of your mental health?
The next thing you want to figure out is what your triggers are. Is it tone of voice? Is it yelling? Is it being ignored? Before you can start setting boundaries you have to know yourself. You have to know what sets you off, what makes you happy, and what helps you hear other people so you can properly communicate.
Once you have established what you need or want to protect (your time, your happiness, your inner peace), you need to put up the posted signs. You need to let people know where those boundaries lie.
It’s easy to get stuck at this point. Setting boundaries can feel like you are denying those around you, and it is easy to feel that you are being selfish or mean. We feel guilty for not being able to meet everyone else’s needs or wants. The truth is, we cannot please everyone all the time, and we shouldn’t overextend ourselves to the point where we can’t put our best foot forward.
Without boundaries, people don’t know where your limits are, and they will continue to push for more until they are told to stop or you get burnt out.
Okay, so, how do we communicate boundaries? You need both parties to feel safe for a boundary to be completely heard and understood. You must remain neutral.
Remaining neutral means that you are clearly explaining your boundary without blaming, accusing, defending or attacking. You have to disarm yourself and do your best to make sure the other person feels safe as well. If you are not in a space where you can be neutral, or the other person feels attacked, they will only see the attack, not the boundary.
One way to do this is to express your appreciation or gratitude for that person before setting the boundary. Let’s say you are setting a boundary at work. You have a teammate who constantly pressures you into projects that are outside of your role. You can say something along the lines of “I really appreciate all of the opportunities you bring me, but I don’t have the bandwidth at the moment. Please keep me in the loop for next time.”
This lets the other person know that you appreciate what they are doing for you, but also lets them know that you cannot do what they are asking. The worst that can happen is they get really upset and never bring you work again, but if they do, is that really someone you WANT to work with? The best (and most likely scenario) is that they continue to bring you work, but they are less pushy and more understanding.
Doing this with family or loved ones can be really tricky. Maybe your partner makes sarcastic comments that trigger an emotion for you. You can politely say “I really value you and how much you care, and I know that what you are saying is coming from a good place, but I would really appreciate it if you did not talk to me that way.” You can further the conversation by opening up to that person and sharing your trigger (hello vulnerability!).
Worst case scenario, your partner isn’t understanding and continues to trigger you. Maybe they aren’t open to having a vulnerable conversation with you. This is all valuable information you can use to make healthy decision about your life. Best case, you establish trust, vulnerability, and grow closer.
Once you have your boundaries set, it is on you to make sure you hold them firm. If you do not enforce them, people will not take them seriously. Of course, there will be times when you need to make exceptions, but it should always be your choice. Let the other person know in these situations that you are making an exception. The more respect you show to yourself, the more respect you will receive in return.
When we have healthy boundaries, we have more control over how the world interacts with us and how we respond. We don’t sacrifice our core values, we don’t feel resentful toward others, and our communication improves. We also quickly figure out who respects our boundaries and who doesn’t.
People know exactly how to approach us when they want or need something, and they understand how to communicate with us. We can dedicate our best efforts for those who deserve it and we begin to live life on our terms, not someone else’s.
Setting proper boundaries always leads to healthier and happier relationships. It allows you to see who respects you and who doesn’t. It gives you the power to identify and remove the toxic people in your life. Your time, space, and wellbeing are your most valuable possessions, and you deserve to have complete control over them.
Set the boundaries you need so the good people in your life can have a better understanding of your wants and needs. Let the toxic people fall to the wayside, because after all, when it comes to toxicity in your life, less is always more.
